´Tis too much to bear any longer

Well no, it’s not that bad but it’s the essay + exam season and the only reason it’s killing me is the gorgeous weather. I cycled along the seafront from the art festival where I’m volunteering (report coming soon!) to the library and it was just too painful. There was like the whole of Brighton & Hove population laid out on the beach, with ice cream, fish & chips, barbecues, bikinis and whatnot, meanwhile I was cycling to campus to get more books out. Well, I’m bound to spend my Mays in Brighton this way, closed inside, not knowing about natural light until I get my degree. I’ve already made a plan for 16th, when I’m handing in three essays and one portfolio workbook - I’m going to hand it in, go see an exhibition, have a picnic in Brunswick Square and then have a 5 pound milkshake at American Diner. And then on 17th it’s back to library to revise for an exam. Hopefully that will be less frantic.
I have seen a couple of really good films and plan to write about them when I have more time, as well as take some pics around Brighton and at the art festival and post here more!

 I started having breakfast outside. The house I’m living in now is making me happy because we have a garden and if all goes well I’ll stay here in the summer and just read outside and eat my own weight in ice cream all day long.

I saw a friend of mine after almost two years! Crazy. What a lovely day we had though! Obviously I had to forget my camera at home. She gave me Hollywood Babylon II and I can’t wait to read it because since January my reading list was only university-related.

 And this is what I will do on 29th (FREEEEEDOM!). (postcard from What Katie Did)

In times of desperation over construction of gendered language in Heart of Darkness and Wide Sargasso Sea, neighbours’ cats never fail to amuse me.

The biggest and best news and that I got a bike (you could probably tell from my cycling along seafront). This is just a quick snap but I want some decadent pictures taken with my lady Vesper (thats her name).

See you soon!

Labyrinth of the World and Paradise of the HeART

These past few weeks I’ve been struggling with defining my future, career-wise. I have been obsessivelly thinking about what could I do in my life; what is real enough to do; what I really enjoy doing; what will earn me enough money to live the way I want to. I can get super anxious about stuff like this. So these past few weeks I’ve been devising plans of all sorts and careers of all sorts until I had a minor revelation. I simply remembered what my biggest dream is and decided to make it happen once. I want to have a venue for exhibitions, film screenings, lectures and debates, performances of all sorts and parties (all of this comes with a crazy shop full of amazing second-hand stuff and a café). It’s funny how this venue-thing has always been in my head but I just forgot about it and instead focused on things I wasn’t very sure of. It makes me feel calm because though I know it won’t happen in a couple of years, I know the plan is real and realisable.
I went to an interview for volunteering at an art festival in Brighton and stepped out of the building so excited. As I was walking home I had that enlightening moment: for god’s sake, where has my mind been all this time - this is what I love the most - organising events and changing people’s lives and world through art and culture. I wish everyone who has ever asked me how much I will earn with arty degree would understand that doing what I love will earn me money - because I enjoy it and I am really good at it. How successful would I be with some practical management or economics degree I would be completely passionless about? How far would that get me? Probably as far as to the labour office.
I get so angry at times at adults wanting us to know what we will do in the future. It’s okay to not know what you want to do. It’s okay to be completely confused and settle down with waitress job because you haven’t decided yet. It’s okay to be doing "useless" degrees you are passionate about. It’s okay to want to do something others won’t believe you could do (I think they just believe you won’t earn much, to be honest).
So yeah, just keep going and thinking and you’ll find it once. The best is to step out of comfort zone (always, forever) and keep trying and you’ll find it once, that thing you enjoy doing and makes you super happy.

(Be yourself and do what you want to do but also be Marcel Duchamp and fuck up everyone’s mind and taste in the process and come out as a winner.)

I made this

to exercise my mind and post whatever informs my ideas and writing. Still taking the break here and thinking about the right direction for this blog, meanwhile check the new one out. Not a substitution yet, just needed a space for my favourite writing from the past and for my writing of now / future.

absinth diary

Maybe you have read my latest post here. I have been thinking about where to go with it all next. I need some sort of direction for my blog, I´d love to have more readers (but like, proper readers, not just followers that say follow each other, ok?). I am constantly torn between writing long personal posts and short mysterious couple-of-sentences. My favourite blogs usually fall within each of the two categories and I always think how this or that blog is so cool and I want to try emulate its coolness by trying to write either long eloquent articles or short posts but in the end I always think - I just want to do my own thing. But lately I don´t know what it is.

I somehow feel the urge to set up a new blog. It seems a bit silly to me because I´d love to say sometime in the future hey see I´ve had this blog for five years now! Observe how I evolved with it! But I feel the need to start something fresh. I have had so many blogs in the past but I have always stopped. Which is probably why I feel bad abandoning this one. But I´m not leaving blogging really. I need an internet outlet of some sort and tumblr is not enough. Somehow tumblr is not a proper blogging platform. It´s quick and easy and that is why I share my personal life on here more. But I need something more formal and proper.

I want to share my distorted diary entries that are written in exceptionally nice language (I think) and would not reveal that much perhaps anyway. I want to share quotes and bits I find in books. I want to share my clothes. I want to share my thoughts in loooong posts. I want to share feelings and heart and opinion.

I am a master of making new platforms for myself. When something cannot function anymore, I cut it off - the rotten limb. So this blog seems a bit like a rotten limb at the moment with all its past and all those wishlists and silly posts I wish I hadn´t made. I know I know, the past is past, and I am not feeling guilty for some of what I´ve written on here. All I want to say is that I probably need a new space for new direction I want to give my blogging.

If you have read this, talk to me please, tell me what you think. Don´t just say, do what you want. I´ll do it you know.

This unfolds

 

Hello, today´s topic is blogger´s rut. I am not sure (I hope) if anyone reads this on a regular basis and has noticed, but I have noticed: I do not post very often and most importantly, I do not enjoy it as much as I used to. I have gone through this before so I know it is only a temporary problem. Sometimes you just can´t pour your heart and love into blog posts, obviously. I´d rather post nothing than post shit just for the sake of posting it. In the light of my realisation I have decided to probably take a break or, honestly, I don´t know, maybe tomorrow I will be full of new ideas and ready to blog them all. I would like to give this blog a certain direction and most of all, keep it. It is one of my outlets to improve articulating my thoughts in English (not my mother language as you can probably guess). I also need a space to share stuff I obssess over. I´ve always had this tendency and once I discovered internet, oh my.

 

 

Maybe I should make this blog a more stable part of my life. You know, take a camera with me and document what I think will be interesting, etc. But now I find it hard - all my focus is on studying, uni and getting some work experience before I realise it´s too late (it´s never too late unless you have anxiety issues and want to work in arts sector). As a result of this, my life seems pretty boring to everyone who does not know me well personally: 5 days a week I am in the library reading, writing essays, making essay plans, making presentations, and so on. People seem to pity me for leading this kind of hermit lifestyle but I say EACH TO THEIR OWN. I am paying too much for my degree to not feel guilty about waking up at 3pm and not doing anything. Besides, I value hard work above luck. Once I master the workload at uni I can start looking for a job and volunteering. And once I master all of that together, I can squeeze in going out, seeing exhibitions, long walks and strolling along the seafront and sitting in cafés with the books and friends. And then I can also blog.

 

All I basically wanted to say that I need a break from blogging. At the same time, I might actually continue posting because my opinions and moods and how about I feel about stuff - they change so quickly. I still have tumblr, you know, and I am working on a new project as well.